Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
