You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
