I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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