remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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