I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
