first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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