If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
