Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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