i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
