I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My life is pants optional.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
