Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
