If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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