I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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