The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
