If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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