So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
