my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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