you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
