I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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