On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
