He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
