She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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