I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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