I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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