her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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