Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
