I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
