need another drink. this is the easiest way
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
