What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
