I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
