It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
