I accidentally burped into my bong.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
