the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
