Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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