Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
