make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
