so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
