I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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