i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
