i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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