if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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