Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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