My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
