Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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