hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
