I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
