i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
