u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
