My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
