my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
