Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
